406: Gratitude

It is 10:16pm.

Tonight is one of those nights were I just want to eat the whole kitchen and cry.

Last night I had a dream about a baby. I just remember holding it in my chest, pressed close to my cheek like I would hold Elijah. I remember feeling that sweet baby breath and thinking about Elijah.

Then in the dream I seemed to be confused to if the baby was Elijah or a new baby. And if it was a new baby, then that meant it was a rainbow baby and why hadn't I told anyone about it? And then I began to worry and feel guilty.

I don't know what it meant, but it has been getting to me all day.

I really miss Elijah, and the thought of holding an infant and feeling their breath and soft skin just made me miss him worse.

And then I think about how scary it is that I might not able ever Be able to hold another baby without having a breakdown or some sort of anxiety attack.

I love babies. And I am in tears over the fact that they make me so uncomfortable.

I hate it. I hate being like this.

I just want my baby back.

Ughhhh.

Sorry.

In other news, not that this blog needed to be any more depressing, we still don't have any answers on our housing situation and I can't seem to find anywhere to rent in Natchitoches Parish that accepts section 8.

So please keep praying for that, because I just don't know how much more of this I can take. And I really don't want to take advantage of family being so welcoming much longer.

Oh yeah and today was day 20 of The Capture Your Grief project.

Today's theme was gratitude.

Here is the photo I shared and what I wrote:

Day 20: Gratitude.

Gratitude does not fix grief.

Gratitude, however, is how I feel when I think about how blessed I am to be your mom.

I can't stop crying because I still can't believe you are gone, but it has never once made me regret you.

Every single second we had together was a blessing and my life has changed for the better because of you.

I am so thankful to have known you, to have held you, and to call you my son.

You have not only changed me, you are bringing change to this world and I am so proud of you for it.

I love you Elijah and you will always be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. (The others would of course be your goofball brothers who love and miss you very much too).

One day we will be together again and my heart will be overjoyed. Until then, my son, thank you for the love and wonder you send me each day. You are such a wonderful gift.

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Alright, well tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow night Alex and I are headed to Natchitoches so we can be at Green Market early Saturday morning. 

I guess I should get some sleep.

Good night everybody. Please remember to pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Elijah, I am so thankful to be your mom.

You have brought me great joy.

I miss you beyond the moon.

I love you even further.

<3