473: Not Pretty

It is 9:33am.

It has been a rough morning. Not because of anyone or any event...just because some mornings are more rough than others.

On the way home from the grocery store I heard, "Thy Will Be Done," By Lady Antebellum and I guess it just triggered something in me.

I can feel the anxiety tingle all over my body. I can feel the rage rising into my throat. I can feel the tears bubbling up in my tear ducts.

And then all of sudden, my self-doubt sets in.

I try to live my life for me and my family and not care what other people think. However, some days it is suffocating to think about how many people have "hidden" me on Facebook because I am too depressing for them, or have even unfriended me because my life causes them too much stress.

Why in the world this popped into my head today--I have no idea. I don't chose when my demons strike.

And today my demons are telling me that no one likes me.

I know that I am loved and I know that this is a false sense of feelings brought on by depression and anxiety. I am not saying any of this for a pity party, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me--I am pretty strong and have weathered my storms pretty well. I don't need any pity. I am just having a bad morning and need to vent.

I am really thankful the kids are occupied with their toys this morning. I am going to try and take my Confianza and drink my greens and take some deep breaths.

But I almost feel like I am going to skip the Confianza this morning (or just wait until this evening to take it) and harness some of this anxiety and use it for my writing. Lately I have just felt too numb to write and even though I focus better when taking the Confianza--everything I write just comes out bland and boring.

 Believe me, I don't like the anxiety, but since the beginning I told myself I would never do anything to numb the emotions I felt from losing Elijah. I just felt like they were mine and I should own them.

And I know that anxiety and emotions are not the same, and that for myself and for my family I don't need to carry my anxiety--but sometimes the rage can be turned into something beautiful. I just can't lose control of it.

Anyways, THAT is my craziness written out for you this morning.

Again, it is not for a pity. I just tell it like it is...and sometimes it is not pretty.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always, pray for my sweet Elijah.

Hi sweet boy. 

I am going to push myself to write today.

To get some of these emotions out and to get this novel done for you.

I just miss you so much.

But I will always love you more.

<3