495: Elijah

It is 9:32pm.

Do did you do it today? That thing you wanted to do?

If so! That is great. I'm proud of you.

If not, no worries. I'm still proud of you...

To be honest, I didn't do it either.

To be real honest. Today was a pretty hard day for me.

I am pushing through some pretty dark depression today. Not by choice, it just kind of slammed into me like a freight train going 90 miles an hour. (Is that really how fast freight trains travel??? Is that even the correct saying? I have no idea... I'll have to do my research later).

Anyways, if you follow me on Facebook you can tell that I have been trying my hardest to stay positive.

However, I don't think you have any idea how hard I have tried.

And I did pretty well, considering this dark funk that hung over my head, but it all kind of fell apart tonight at the library when I brought my kids for a night time story time (which they totally loved), and there was a little boy named "Eli."

At first I shrugged it off, and I went on about checking my email and cleaning out my inbox while waiting over to the side with Alex and the other parents. I was doing whatever I could to keep my mind distracted and shield my heart from the pain...but then, it was time to go and I heard the mom call, "Elijah!"

Normally his name brings me such joy. But tonight, hearing it and then knowing that I didn't have my Elijah with me just broke my heart into a million little pieces.

There was a Julien, a Gabriel, an Alex and an Elijah under the same roof--but it wasn't my Elijah.

I don't know that things like this will ever get easier.

Anyways, it is late and the kids are still up. I really need to get them to sleep and get some sleep myself.

I will be okay. It gets tiring pulling myself out of these funks, but I know that I am capable of it. I will do it for Elijah. If I am going to change the world for him I have to. And I will change the world for him. I promised.

Tomorrow I will get to that thing I've always wanted to do, and I hope you do too!

Good night everyone. Sending you all love and sweet dreams.

Please pray for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for our sweet sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Elijah.

Elijah.

Elijah.

I could say your name forever.

I love you and miss you soooo much.

ALWAYS.

<3