712: I Can Feel It

It is 8:53pm

"Oh I feel it coming back again,
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind,
Forces pulling from the center of the Earth again.
I can feel it"

In a few days it will be September--my least favorite month out of the year.

September 10th is my least favorite day.

And as it approaches I feel my body preparing for a disaster.

Last year we asked people to write Elijah's name wherever they were and share it with us on his anniversary of going to heaven...and it led to an unnecessary amount of stress and sadnesses for both Levi and myself.

This year I don't know what I want or don't want to do.

I am just so scared of not doing enough or of him being forgotten.

I see others thriving, and here I am donating a photo tonight because I didn't find any other wAy to make a difference in Elijah's memory. Am I not trying enough? Did I try too much to fast? I don't even know anymore.

And while I have learned that failure is part of learning and growing and nothing to personally be ashamed of, I can't help but feel like I have failed Elijah in so many ways.

I see my blog numbers dropping. I feel like I have a hard time giving support to others who have lost a child because my brain just wants to block out all the pain. And I am not even quite as strategic and fruitful with my acts of kindness as I would love to be.

I have to keep reminding myself that I should not compare my journey to others. And as long as I don't give up, Elijah's story will continue to bloom and become something beautiful and different.

I don't know. And I hate that I don't know. I just don't feel like it matters to people enough, but to me it matters the most.

It is the strangest and saddest internal battle I fight constantly.k

 This is not about me, but is everything about me. After all, Elijah is a huge part of me.

Just please send love and continue to send love as September comes closer. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute...

Thank you for your continued support and love. Even on the days where I am completely ridiculous.

I really do love and appreciate you guys. Always.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Kelly


Here is our latest YouTube viideo:

Thanks for watching!