We are at Granny's house. There was an state of emergency declared for Natchitoches so the decision was made to come here to maybe escape some of the weather that is coming from Harvey.
Right now the kids are playing in the rain--well not Alex, he is on the computer playing Mindcraft.
The other day I was putting clothes on Gabe and the realization came to me that soon Julien and Gabriel will grow out of their little boy stage too and I will be left with no little boy to hold. No little hand to squeeze. No little cheeks to kiss. And then there is also the realization that there should be one.
And then there is the realization that I am sitting in the spot where Levi rocked Elijah under the rain in the tin roof one stormy night at Granny's...what seems like an eternity ago.
Realizations have been hitting me a lot lately.
I wanted so badly to talk to my counselor yesterday about the grief that has been haunting me lately. Not just about Elijah, but about people I don't even know. There is the whole Chester Bennington thing and then while I was at therapy, Levi messaged me about a girl that we knew that had recently passed away and a friend of her thought it may have been suicide too. And for whatever reason it made me cry. And my counselor was so consumed with paperwork she ignored that I was crying. In fact my whole session just seemed like busy work for her to catch up on.
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to say PAY ATTENTION TO ME, but I just sat there polite and quietly answered her mind numbing questions. Questions I have been asked over and over and over again. Just to be moved to something else or someone else.
I wanted to be heard.
I get it. Our mental health care unit is under staffed. The insurance who pays for it needs a specific care plan so they can justify me receiving help... money comes first.
I have the care plan that was written for me and I don't even have a word to describe how I feel about it. I can only have one "problem" to focus on.. I am diagnosed with unspecified depression. I am supposed to journal (like they came up with the idea) and then TALK to my counselor... but I haven't even got to talk yet because they keep switching me around and telling me they are finding the right treatment for me.
I'm sorry to come unglued, but most days it is just me and the kids and I really don't have many friends to talk to and even the ones I do have I don't feel comfortable telling them all this crazy nonsense that is floating around in my head.
Anyways, I had to take a break from blogging this earlier and come back to it. Now it is 9:34pm and my arm is killing me. I have no more muscle relaxers and I must have pushed myself too hard today using my arm to try and clean up granny's kitchen. And to be honest it is getting really disheartening to still not be able to use my arm without having to deal with pain later in the day.
What I am getting at is that it is time to cut this blog off. I'm pretty sure you are relieved if you are still reading. Lol. It was a pretty pathetically whiny post. Sorry. Some days are just harder than others.
Please send some love for Levi tonight. He is also having a pretty crappy night. Thank you.
Sending you all love. I really appreciate you reading my blogs more than you will ever know.
Please keep praying for all those affected by Hurricane Harvey. Please pray for Japan. Please pray for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored?
Can I help you not to hurt anymore?We saw brilliance when the world was asleep.
There are things that we can have but can't keep.
If they say,
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
The reminders pull the floor from your feet.
In the kitchen one more chair than you need.
Oh.
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair.
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.
If they say,
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers.
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker.
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do.
Well, I do.
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