I just finished doing some morning stretches and my morning prayer to the universe... then checking the path of hurricane Irma--sadly to find it has already taken the life of 10 people.
It is only 57 degrees outside and I am freezing (not literally of course). I have one sweat pants, a tshirt and sweat shirt and am about to put on a jacket over all of this. While I welcome the cooler weather, it is always a hard adjustment for me. I almost feel like climbing back into bed just to cuddle up between the kids and Levi and going back to sleep lol-but I need my quiet time. I have to finish my next Eli the Crawfish book so I can get it published this Sunday.
Every day closer to Elijah's anniversary of passing is like a day waiting for storm. I think I have done everything I can to prepare for it, but like a friend of mine said last night about preparing for Irma, there is really no way to know if we are prepared or not.
For two days I have been meaning to blog about this, but typically when I blog at night I am exhausted and forget things and I have been blogging at night lately. So the other day on the car ride back from granny's Julien asked how Elijah died. I am sure this has been explained to him at some point, but maybe he wasn't ready for it, or maybe at that time he didn't understand, so I told him. Elijah fell asleep and never woke up, and that is all we know. I went on to explain that this happens to some babies, and there is no actual known cause. Further explaining I told him that it is called SIDS, or in Elijah's case SUIDS and I explained that meant Sudden Unidentified Infant Death Syndrome. It was all very matter a fact, and just about as soon as the conversation started, it ended.
While it was definitely a quick kick to the chest moment, I was proud of myself for being about to have that conversation with Julien. It is not usually easy to talk about the death part of all of this. I can talk about him being gone, about me being angry or sad, and about how much I want to do something to honor his short life--but his actual death, I am not comfortable talking about...and of course, when most people find out about Elijah's passing, the first thing they ask is how old was he, and how did it happen.
I guess I have explained to people in the "outside" world so many times, it is just a natural reflex now, but explaining it to one of my kids, who is only 8 years old, is so much harder. Not for him fortunately, we talked about research and cures, and then I think a song on the radio brought a distraction for both of us, and we just quit talking about it.
I don't blog about that day, or if I have I can't remember. I do this because Elijah was NOT that day. He was not the cause of my heartache. And I don't want his story to be completely consumed with the sole fact that he died--because even if it were for a brief moment, he lived. He lived and he loved, and he experienced what he could with a family who cared about him so much. And that is why I work so hard on spreading kindness in his memory. Because he lived a life of love and happiness, and it deserves to be remembered for what it was, not how it ended.
Alright, I feel like my early morning ramblings have gone on long enough--also I have to pee really bad.
I think this might be a morning where I crawl back into bed. I will get back in my 5am routine soon again. Next week is really the goal, since the kids are getting their learning books this week. But for now my body needs rest, I have been in a lot of pain these last few days.
Have a beautiful day, and stay safe--especially all of you out there affected by hurricanes.
I love you all <3
Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
"Oh take me back to the start"
I love and miss you baby boy.
So so much.
Always.
<3
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