727: The Hurricane Inside

It is 8:25pm.

Heavy. So heavy. My chest has been hurting today. Anxiety.

I went to counseling, only to listen to the sound of a keyboard clicking away while I wasn't sure if I should stop for her to catch up or if she really cared at all. It just seemed like a job she had to do-- Log my sorry sad life problems into the computer so the state can do whatever with the information. I honestly don't know why else she would type it all out. I would prefer a notepad for notes, but I guess with all the people she sees she has to remember this stuff somehow...I guess the tapping of the keyboard is just something I should get accustomed to. Blahhhh.

But that is the least of what is bothering me.

A lot is going on right now...

Elijah's passing anniversary is really close, and now I am freaking out about this hurricane. I am freaking out because I am scared of the worst possible scenario--someone I know might die. And forgive me if this sounds selfish, but I am not ready to handle another death. Especially not at this time.

Then the worry grows larger, what about the people who do not have homes? I lived in Orlando. I lived around the homeless. I saw men and women sleeping in the parks during the day. I saw them sleep on culverts in nice neighborhoods. Bless them, for there are so many... I am not talking about the panhandlers. I am talking about the broken hearted and the people who have been through some major shit in their lives and now have nowhere to turn. My heart is just breaking for them as this storm comes closer and closer.

And I see the fear in my friends' posts and I just feel helpless. Like, there is nothing I can do to help them. I just wish I could scoop everyone up and bring them to a land of unicorns and rainbows and happiness. Why can't I just do that?

And then there is my family's storage. I know this is another incredibly selfish thing to worry about, but there are items from so many of our loved ones that have passed away in there. And all of Elijah's clothes and things are in there....

It is just soo much and I feel it in my body. I feel it because I am exhausted even after getting enough sleep. I feel it in my chest as it hurts when I breathe.

Send love. Send prayers. Send whatever good stuff you can my way, because God knows I need it.

Thank you

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

I some times hate myself for how worried and stressed out I was over some really stupid shit.

I just miss you so much and all that other stuff doesn't matter anymore.

Please send some love down to my friends in Florida.

And feel free to send some to me too.

I miss you so much.

I love you more.

<3