I try to not do too many "depressing" posts anymore, because I want to be happy and strong, and I want a better life--but not all days are equal and some are much harder than others. Today, for no apparent reason, is one of those days that is harder.
I am on new medication, that I only take at night because it makes me super drowsy. It helps with the pain but it is killing my stomach. So it is a no win situation taking it, because either I have the pain and no stomach ache, or I have the stomach ache and no pain. I don't know...it is just exhausting that after months of hurting I am still months away from relief (it seems like it anyways).
I just don't feel well and it is clouding my thoughts and emotions and making me bitter.
I am having a harder time promoting my books than I thought I would, and I have SO much money invested into these things that it makes me really uneasy. I know Christmas is right around the corner and everything will be fine, I am just being silly and impatient.
Then I read in the news about a infant being dumped on the side of the road or something like that, when I would give ANYTHING to have my baby back and it just makes my blood boil. How do people do this? I just can't even begin to explain how much this hurts. I can feel the rage building inside.
And then it is this and that.
Julien is throwing up.... I have to leave him to go to physical therapy in a little while.
My neighbor's truck got broken into last night so now I "have to lock my car," when all I want to do is live my life of unicorns and rainbows and trust that people really are good.
I am just so tired of the news and the drama, and people living in fear. It is exhausting.
I recently finished "The Tao of Pooh," and there was a part where the narrator turns on the radio for Pooh and lets him listen to a news story about a plane crash that kills a bunch of people. He then asks Pooh (for the second time) if he thinks it is a beautiful day outside.
Pooh answers, "Yes."
Then the narrator asks Pooh how he could still think that it is a beautiful day, and Pooh tells the narrator that he knows it is a beautiful day, because he has been outside to see it...
Pooh only sees good, because I believe Pooh only looks for good. His simplicity is to be admired, and his happiness should be something we all learn from.
Not everything is bad. I just need to find my way back to Pooh Corner I guess. I need to continue to look for the good.
Please send love, because I could surely use it. Thank you.
As promised I am continuing to spread awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and here is some more information from a Compassionate Friend's pamphlet on Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death:
"Symptoms of Grief:
When a baby dies, normal symptoms of grief are varied. Parental reactions and intensity or feelings may differ. Typical reactions include the following:
-Crying, loneliness, a feeling of isolation
-A need to talk about the death and the details of what happened
-Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, depression
-Anger, Guilt, Blame
-Loss of appetite, overeating, sleeplessness, irritability
-Inability to concentrate, comprehend, or remember
-Loss of goals and aims in life, a sense of despair about the future
-Aching arms and frequent sighing"
Oh I am so sure I could add to that list....
Sending you all love. Thank you for your continued support.
Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for our families. Pray for our hearts. Pray for our minds. Pray for our souls. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you again.
As long as I live,
I will fight all these dark feelings
and continue to believe there is good in the world.
I will do this for you,
because what good is kindness without love.
And I do what I do
out of love for you.
I love and miss you so much my boogie.
Always.
<3
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