It is December 4th, and I have yet to put up a Christmas Tree or really get excited about Christmas. I mean I am excited about the things we have planned, and the acts of kindness we are doing in memory of Elijah--but the rest of it is just kind of numbing.
In fact, that is how this whole third year of grief has been for me--numb.
I am not as passionate or driven as I was in the beginning. I am not as depressed or in as much agony. I am just numb, and sometimes angry.
It is so funny how grief works, because most of the time I am a pretty positive and ambitious person. I tend to shoot for the moon. I dream big. I love to laugh and go on adventures. However, lately I am just getting by.
I have my happy moments, I am not denying this! I have had lots of them and they are wonderful and deserve recognition too. And this blog is not for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am just being honest about how I feel, and lately I feel like I have censored myself on grief--as well as other things.
We are all guilty of censoring our feelings I think, especially because other people have such a problem with hearing about them. And as much as I try not to care about what other people think of my life (because it is really none of their business), I also just don't want to hear about it anymore... and I don't want the added pressure of people telling me what they expect of me or my family. It is seriously all I can do to put on a happy face for my kids and breathe some days. Some people don't get just how hard this is...
And I have been censoring my emotions because when I let them out, people around me get weird or worry about me, or stop reading my blog, or turn it into something personal about them--instead of just realizing that grief is a natural (but not fun) process and I am doing the best I can.
I don't think people realize that I am actually proud of myself for being so honest, even when things are not easy. I am really not upset with myself at all. I have done some pretty friggen' amazing things in spite of my grief, so have my husband and children, and I am so proud of all of us. Even if we don't fit into other people's notion of "normal" or "okay" we are following our passions and living life. We are together in this and we are so lucky to have each other's support when it feels like the world wants to tell us that we need to work or live in the "real world."
The funny thing about reality--it is what we make it. My reality is totally different than most people's reality. It doesn't make it better or worst..it is just different.
Me censoring my emotions needs to stop. It is killing me. I feel stuck in my head because I am afraid to make others feel uncomfortable with my life choices or my grief. I think this is adding to the numbness.
And my grief comes in waves and in different emotions, but I think the numbness is the most frustrating for me because it just hovers and makes me feel drained. It makes me feel stuck and alone. It makes me feel like it is never really going to get better. It makes me feel like I am not feeling enough. It just makes me feel--weird.
For example, normally by this time of year I have obsessed over a Christmas tree being put up. This year I could care less. I know it makes the kids happy, and I want nothing more than them being happy, but I did more decorating for Halloween then I have for Christmas, and I LOVE Christmas and Christmas Ornaments.
We agreed not to get a lot of presents for the kids this year, because I want to make Christmas more about giving to others and about experiences--but normally I talk myself into getting them little things here and there because it so fun to surprise them. This year, I haven't had the urge to buy one toy. (Don't worry, they will have a good Christmas, we have already insured that. Alex got his dog and we got them a surprise present to share. They are not forgotten).
I feel like the Grinch. I feel like I am staring down at Whoville and I just don't get it anymore. I see all the happy people, and I think I want to be a part of it, but sometimes I really don't. Sometimes I am angry that none of them hold this hurt I have in my heart. It is not because I want them to feel what I have felt, I just still don't understand why I have to feel these things...And it is such a nasty feeling.
I will still continue to give and go through all the motions with the kids, because I know Christmas is important to them. I will still continue to try and enjoy it all, but this time of the year is hard. Especially when I know Elijah is not here, and no matter how hard I try and make things about him--it won't bring him back.
Maybe that is it. Maybe that is the realization of the third year of grief. I made it through the agony and terror just to roll over into "reality." And I am just so tired of the overwhelming emotions that I have just shut them all off...so I can breathe.
And please don't worry about me. I really can't stand for people to worry. I won't let it stop me. I haven't.
I will continue to dream big and spread love for Elijah. I will continue to love and take care of my children the best I can. I will continue to fight and be stubborn about the way we live OUR lives because they are OURS to live. And I will continue to be thankful for each and every day, but I will also continue to fight with grief all my life--and that is totally "normal" for me.
Okay, let's cheer things up a bit. Here is the YouTube video me and Alex made last night. I hope you watch it and are inspired. There are lots of touching moments where you can definitely feel Elijah's love:
Sending you all lots of love. Hope you are having an amazing day full of honesty and hope. Thank you so much for being a part of my life and reading my blog.
Keep praying for the world. Pray for the Earth. Pray for our families. Pray for our children. Pray for hope. Pray for peace. Pray for love. And always always pray for my sweet sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
I hope that I do enough to make you proud.
I hope that you know I am trying my hardest.
I hope that you know I won't give up even when I feel like it.
I hope you know how much I miss and love you.
Always.
<3
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