938: I Used to Hate Sunflowers

It is 4:44pm.

I am cleaning the bus--purging is more like it. Well, I guess right now I am taking a break and doing a little Facebook procrastination lol.

A friend of mine just made a post asking what everyone's favorite flowers are. I smiled as I read "sunflowers" as one of the answers, because (as most of you know) sunflowers are one of my symbols for Elijah.

But the truth is, until the day of Elijah's memorial--I never really liked Sunflowers.

In the 90's they were super popular. There was even Sunflowers perfume spray that EVERYONE had. But I always found them so cheesy and unappealing. I actually kind of hated them.

Okay, here is where I get a little weird lol...you have been warned.

Sometimes I wonder, as I have mentioned before, if we know certain events in our lives are going to happen long before they happen.

Maybe younger Kelly knew subconsciously that sunflowers were going to be a symbol for a child she would lose, and maybe it just hurt so her so bad that she couldn't bring herself to like such beautiful flower.

I mean I know it sounds crazy, but as a child I remember having a VIVID dream of Jesus talking to me, and whatever he said sounded so scary that I woke up terrified of EVER hearing or seeing from Jesus, God, or Angels again. Maybe to you this sounds like I am a nutcase, but growing up there were many times I would pray and then be terrified of actually seeing a spirit of some sort and never really understanding that fear. And maybe I am just a nutcase, but I promise I am the friendly kind ;)

That fear never really went away, to be honest, until Elijah passed away. But if I am being honest with you, most fears kind of went out the window after that.

Dreams can be powerful sometimes. Just a few days before Elijah passed away, I had a dream about him drowning and me trying to do CPR on him, but not being able to save him.

I'm not saying I could have predicted his death--if I knew this was coming I would have done everything in my power to try and stop it. I'm just saying that there are events in my life that I can't really explain in words, but they feel so connected and powerful.

And maybe I am just a little crazy, but if what I heard in that dream was that I would someday lose a child, that would explain my fear of ever connecting with any sort of higher power, angels, and my loathing for sunflowers.

But then there is also that part of me that thinks, "Why would God tell me about the death of my child, and not others." Or maybe he has? I don't know.

Anyways, I've got a screaming child I need to go take care of, and a bus that needs cleaning. I hope you are all doing well and having a beautiful day.

Go change the world for Elijah! I love you all.

Thank you.

I love you so much Elijah.

Miss you.

Always.

<3