im screaming on the inside

It is 7:33pm.

I am at burger king.

Not a fan of burger king, but they have a huge playground and the boys need to run.

I have had some hard moments today.

Nothing triggered them really.

Sometimes reality just decided to be cruel and slap me in the face with the reminder that I won't ever be holding my baby boy again....until I pass away too.

Ugh.

I think the worst part of this is the unknown, but sometimes the known is pretty awful as well.

I have been trying all day to contact somebody to set up a Holiday tree in memory of Elijah and all Angel babies and children.

These are the moments when I start to feel really small and isolated.

I feel like people just don't give a damn.

Here I am suffering...as well as many other parents...and I hear them say is "I am so sorry...but our rules and other people's feelings are more important than your loss. I hope you will understand." (not really, but it might as well be)

I am thinking of driving by the malls tomorrow. Surely one of them has a kiosk space I can rent for the holidays.

I just wish things were easier.

I wish that I wasn't even doing this.

I wish that I was going to be celebrating Elijah's first Christmas.

Elijah, 

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare to your screams. I wish I could have you back for Christmas. I wish it worked that way. I wish it were easier to get people to care. I wish it were easier to accept you are probably happy in heaven, even without me. It is hard to breathe knowing I have a lifetime to live before I get to join you in heaven.

I just pray with all my heart that there is really a heaven because I'm pretty sure what I am feeling is the equivalent to hell.

I love and miss you more than anything.