Feelings

It is 7:20pm.

Today I set up my "Love, Elijah" webpage. Www.loveelijah.com

I sat at McDonald's using their internet for at least four hours.

During that time I went through a range of emotions. Feeling good for trying to keep Elijah's name out there to guilty for even asking for some sort of money because I have a dead baby. Ugh.. That just sounds awful.

But mostly just anxiety. Lots of people were coming in and out with their babies and small children and it just made me tense up and feel empty.

I can't explain how much grieving has taken a physical toll on me. My appetite changes daily. My stomach never agrees with me. My hair has been falling out. And I am anxious about everything.

I also notice myself grabbing for my stomach like I did when I was pregnant with Elijah. I know he is not in there but that's where he spent the majority of his life journey together. And now he is just gone.

Sometimes I also catch myself wraping my arms around me like I should be carrying him.

I just miss him.

I have a lot of peaceful moments too. Moments of knowing that I am doing everything I can to stay strong and moments where he finds ways to show himself to me.

I feel like some crazy woman from a movie or something that babbles about having a connection with her son from beyond the grave, but I really believe it to be true.

Anyways, Today is the first day of October. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

Part of my "Love, Elijah" project is to set up a p.o. box that will operate a lot like post secret, but will be solely for parents who have lost their children to miscarriages, abortions that were regretted, still borns, sudden infant death or any other tragedy. I want it to be a place where mothers or fathers can express their feelings anonymously on post cards or through letters.

It can also be a place to send little love notes to their children, birthday and holiday cards...anything to make them feel better.

The parents Will be given the option to share and if they do, posts will be made on an instagram account (anonymously) so that maybe it can bring others comfort, or help others see that they are not alone).

I will be setting up the p.o. box and instagram account once I get back to Florida.

Oh Elijah, I love you. I feel guilty for not missing you enough, even though I don't know if I could ever miss you more than I do. Nothing makes sense. I feel lost. I want to feel good for doing nice things in your name but feeling good just leads to feeling guilty about feeling good. I know you would want me to be happy, and I am trying. Just know that everything I do is for you. I love you.