Nightmares.

It is 7:19pm.

I am sitting at chic-fil-a in a quiet booth as the kids run off their energy in the play area.

Oh my, the energy they have.

Lately it is almost overwhelming for me.

So it is good that I can bring them to a place like this and sit here and blog while they run it all out.

Last night I had a nightmare...and I need to talk about it because it has haunted me all day.

But before I get to it, I want to talk about another nightmare I had, probably one week or less before Elijah passed.

It was horrible and it was about Elijah.

I dreamed that I found him face down in the bathtub. There was water, and he had drowned.

I dreamed about giving him CPR.

I dreamed about him dying...shortly before he died.

I hadn't really talked about it, because it makes me think of that day-- and thinking of that day can give me panic attacks.

I don't know what it means, or if it means anything at all, but I still feel the chills crawling up my neck just thinking about it.

Was it a warning? Was it a sign? Was it just a messed up dream, because I am a lifeguard and I am trained in CPR? Was it a fear? What was it? Why did I have this dream?

Last night I had my first nightmare since Elijah's passing.

It wasn't about Elijah...at least I don't think it was.

I dreamed I was pregnant and it was time to deliver. But the doctor told me that the baby had passed and I had no option but to deliver as planned.

I remember thinking, "I can't do this."

It was a horrible feeling.

What is even more horrible was waking up knowing that I know people who have had this very thing happen and it was their reality, and they had to do it.

The last delivery I had before Elijah was for my son Gabriel. At the very last month of my pregnancy, my blood pressure sky rocketed and I had to be induced and deliver.

I don't remember the doctor's ever telling me what it was, but my mom says it was toxemia.

All I remember is for a full night after delivery I had to be hooked up to monitors and IV's with all sorts of weird medicine running through me.

I remember being scared.

When we found out I was pregnant with Elijah, I just knew that somehow, it would be the end of me.

I was more scared about losing my life than I ever was about losing his.

The thought never crossed my mind about losing his.

I had such a wonderful pregnancy with Elijah. He was perfect to me from day one.

I regret not sharing my pregnancy sooner. I was just scared to tell people because it was our fourth child, and for some reason people don't seem to think you should have more than one or two these days. I was also scared because we weren't in the best financial situation to bring a child into the world. I was afraid of what other people would think.

I wish I could go back and shout it from the rooftops. I wish I could have every moment back and change so so many things. I wish that he was still here so I could just hold him.

Oh Elijah,

I am so proud of you. I always will be. I am so sorry I didn't share your story sooner. You were important. You still are. I am just so sorry I didn't give your importance all the attention it needed while you were here. I am sorry I was ever ashamed. Just know that I was never ashamed of you. If I ever felt ashamed, it was of myself. And now looking at everything, it was so so stupid that I was ever ashamed to begin with.

I'm sorry.

Know that I love you and nothing will ever change that.

Know that even if God gave me another baby and I told everyone the day I found out, it would never change the way I feel or felt about you. It would never change my regrets. It would never change any feelings I have in my heart for you. I will love you until the end of time...and then some.

Love you baby boy. 

Always.