wave of light

It is 9:00pm.

Yesterday was October 15th which is a special day in the infant loss community.

Between 7-8 pm I lit a candle for Elijah as a part of the wave of light in honor of all babies gone too soon.

I am still a terrible mess from it.

Don't get me wrong it is a beautiful tribute, 

It is just so very hard to have to have to remind myself in any way that he is gone from our lives.

Yesterday morning as my act of kindness I also lit 20 candles in memory of angel babies in heaven.

2 for Elijah, 1 for all babies in heaven and 1 for all children in heaven. Also 16 for babies I know of that have passed.

I had a one minute moment of silence and tried very hard to pray the whole time.

These last 2 days have been hard. 

I have found myself drowning in even the smallest waves.

But I think Elijah has been trying to show is that he is near.

When random acts of kindness from strangers happen that just seem to make perfect sense, that is when I know he is with us.

For instance, yesterday I stopped to get me and Gabriel a drink. Gabriel picked out a drink that was in a glass bottle and required the lady behind the counter to open it for us. She took off the cap and then said something about needing to figure out what to do with all these caps in her jar. It just so happens that Alex's class needs bottle caps for an art project they are working on. I told her about it and she placed them in a bag and sent them home with me. 

P.S. That jar had been full for a while. I feel like she was waiting for me for some reason.

Also, today after a really long day of class for work I needed to get out and do something to make me feel better. I don't know why but I really wanted to drive a gocart. So I came home, changed clothes and took Levi and the kids to Funspot. There the lady at the window have us $4 extra to spend on whatever we wanted. So we got some fried reeses peanut butter cups to share. It wasn't much. But it helped brightened our day a little bit.

I know he is there, but it doesn't stop me from missing him here.

I miss you so much little man. Your brothers said hi. They love and miss you too.

Thank you for my little gifts. You are the best little baby ever. You are always on my mind. 

I love you so so much.